where I am (October 2012 edition)

Oh, it's been forever. I've been swamped at work and at home, trying to juggle too much (I know I'm not alone in this--feel free to nod in agreement!). I read off and on, though, and am thrilled about Mo and Will's new baby news. Such a long-awaited miracle and such sweet chubby cheeks in that newborn photo!

It's lifting a bit and I look forward to getting caught up on everyone's lives, so expect a few comments here and there as I do, even if they're on old posts. Some of you post so quickly I can't keep up in real time. I admire that ability to post on a regular basis.

I hate to do it, but I think bullet points might be a good catch-up technique for today, and then I'll try to expand on these bullets over the next few weeks. I really need to write out what's going on, just for my own sanity and self-preservation.

- The kids, W and E, are fine. E is 13 months (how the f did that happen?) and she's toddling all over the place. Fell down the stairs this morning, however, perhaps to remind me that she's not as competent as she sometimes looks (she's fine--she rolled down the carpeted stairs, cried, and then demanded a piece of cinnamon raisin bagel as though nothing happened, though I told daycare to watch her and call me if she seemed in any way different than her usual self).

- W, who is nearing 3, seems to have moved mostly out of a fairly defiant and difficult stage that hit around 2.5. Everything suddenly had to be done his way and by him. Predictable, I'm sure, but so hard to live with. A little sweet-faced tyrant. He still demands that I not sing in the car or talk to him when he's busy, but I can live with it because he's mostly returned to himself. I expect that we'll go through more at 3.5 (which I hear is far harder than 2.5). G*d help us all.

- My relationship with my husband is still rough. Rough, rough, rough. I know it's weird to switch from lovely updates about babies to miserable sadness about my relationship, but this is what it is. This is how it feels. We go from smiling at each other when the kids do something adorbs to ignoring each other so that we won't exchange sharp words in front of them. Well, this is what I do. He is not quite as good about it and doesn't see the problem (apparently) with having tense exchanges in front of them (perhaps even while holding or feeding at the dinner table). So not my style. I'd prefer to keep the kids away from our tension. This seems to all stem from the difference in our families--mine was silent and sometimes tense (not often), while his is chaotic, loud, and rather shout-y. I'm unfamiliar with that dynamic. And in fact, I'm quite uncomfortable with that dynamic.

- I'm not sure how to proceed, then, in this relationship with a partner who I believe loves me but who is somehow not really equipped or able to be the kind of partner I want. And to be fair, I suppose I'm not what he wants. I suspect he wants a stay-at-home perfect house kind of partner who cooks his dinners and does his laundry. As you know, I'm not that person and do not aspire to be. This is an old record, playing yet again (I'm sure I could link back to several posts where I've said this exact same thing). I want to remove the record player altogether, but I can only do that if he's on board. Sadly, he's not. When I suggest that we need to restructure our expectations (both of us!), he starts telling me that if I just kept the house a little cleaner, everything would be okay. So yeah, there's no restructuring of expectations on his part.

- I think I'm really angry and sad about this relationship thing. I have a right to be, I know. I hate that I'm even writing about it, in fact, because it makes me sad to admit that this is still going on. What the hell?

- Work moves along fine. I'm having a great teaching semester. Not that I'm necessarily blowing their socks off every class period, but it feels rewarding most of the time and I feel like I'm giving them their money's worth, which is satisfying. And next year, I'm teaching two graduate classes, one in the spring and one in the fall, which is pretty damn lucky for someone who is not on the tenure track. I'll have to write more about it...I feel lucky. I think I've earned it all, don't get me wrong. But lucky nonetheless.

- Insomnia. Weird. I usually sleep well, but perhaps all the stress of homelife is what's disrupting my sleep. It's too bad. Sleep was always a refuge where I could let myself be.

- Oh, body image. Why do you hound me? I joined a gym (one of those $10/month no frills kind of chain gyms). I've actually done a little bit of running, going super slow in order to protect my wonky knees. It feels good. I only get there three times a week or so, but I love it. I can't seem to exercise outside, but get me into a gym and I feel motivated.

- I'm not yet back on my ADD meds. I mentioned that I used to take them, right? Back before TTC for W (aka 2008). I've missed them every day since, and now that I'm not breastfeeding or pregnant, I want to go back on. But my thyroid meds had to be adjusted and I've had some odd heart palpitations (a story for another day....they seem to be benign), and until that's all sorted out, the dr. wisely has said no to meds. So I wait. I suspect they'll help me feel more like myself again, too. Might not help the insomnia, dammit.

- Yes, weaning. We did it, finally. The cabbage leaves seemed to have worked. Right around the time that I stuffed cabbage leaves into the bra and used a few icepacks, the girls stopped being so full and milk seems to have finally dried up. It all took longer than I had expected and I'm sadder this time than I was with W. Also, the girls seem to be very different than after weaning last time. They're really soft and mushy where they used to be firm. It seems they've become what I had feared. I'm mostly okay with it, but I do sometimes feel wistful for their firmer, bouncier selves. They just feel so textureless. Strange. Same size as before babies, though, so that's good.

I will definitely write more about most of these things, but getting them all off my (sad soft) chest feels better. I look forward to catching up and being back in this space a bit more--I miss it when blog reading (and occasional writing) is not part of my life.