Friday, October 7, 2011


I am overwhelmed with anxiety and stress at the moment. E's apnea monitor has been going off lately, especially at night. When W had the monitor, most of the alarms were false and we knew it. The monitor would be beeping and we'd be watching him breathe and move--clearly not a real indication of a baby not breathing. After a month, the monitor went back.

But with E? The alarms are real. The instruction is to gently touch the baby when the alarm is going off, and hopefully, the touch will prompt the baby to breathe. It's worked, obviously, but it's terrifying to hear an alarm signaling that E hasn't breathed in 20 seconds. And then, for another terrifying few seconds, I'm holding my own breath to hope that the alarm goes off and she breathes.

This morning, it happened three times in five minutes.

On top of all this, E is an incredibly sleepy baby. She's awake for no more than two hours a day. Two. I should enjoy having a relaxed baby, right? But no. This sleepiness adds to my fear. Why won't she stay awake? Is it related to the apnea? Is something seriously wrong with my sweet little girl?

She's all snuggled up on my chest right now, sleeping (of course). It should be a happy snuggly peaceful tome, but all I do is cry and worry. The one saving grace is that she is eating, but I have to wake her to do so. She is making the right number of diapers.

I really am terrified. I had hoped that I could avoid any concern for ppd, but this stress is starting to eat away at me. I imAgine thus is normal--how could any mother not feels wiped out by this stress?

Sorry to dump all this out, but just writing it out is easing my mind. I'm going to call the dr now to check in. That's what they are there for, right?


  1. Absolutely! Please do check in with your doctor --share all your concerns -- explain your level of anxiety. I know, for me, it would help to also tell E's doctor my concerns -- have her walk me through what's normal, what it means -- alleviate my fears as best she could...

    I'm sorry this is such a difficult and overwhelming time -- it does get better - it will get better, I know you must know this because of W -- but those early months...whew, for me it was very stressful.

    I'm wishing you peace and support that will ease your worry.



  2. Oh no. That is terribly stressful and scary. I hope that the doctors can help you with some useful advice.
    When other mothers tell me that they miss holding their tiny newborns, I never know how to respond. I think of that time as one of the most difficult of my entire life. And, remember, the hormones make things even more intense.
    I hope that this difficult time will pass quickly and you will soon join the ranks of those wishing that their active infant would PLEASE get a little sleep!