Yo, NaBloPoMo is hard! I don't think I'm interesting enough to post every day. I'll keep going, but seriously...I'm not cut out for this kind of blogging intensity.
I went to the dermatologist today for my yearly checkup. I was blessed (hah) with fair skin and so I have to have someone look over my entire body to make sure that there are no spots or things changing that need attention. I come from a long line of pale people, several of whom have had spots and freckles removed over the years (including both of my parents). This year was the same as usual: nothing to worry about, see you next year.
It was so routine that my palpable relief is a surprise. I've mentioned before that I don't always have great interactions with doctors. I don't know why. I believe in modern medicine, so I'm not the kind of patient that comes in with crazy remedies to suggest or self-diagnoses to push. I follow directions well. I'm relatively smart, so I understand most of what a doctor or nurse is saying (and I'm actually interested in what they're saying--I geek out at how the body works and how medicine addresses problems). Yet I still experience a bit of white-coat syndrome before and sometimes after a doctor visit. It's like I'm clenching internally, and once the visit is over, I finally relax and can breathe again. I don't even realize I'm doing it, in fact. I hadn't really thought about the dermatologist visit until I got there, and yet I clearly had been more freaked than even I realized. Interesting.
Other than the derm visit, I did very little today. I "work" from home on Fridays, which means that I should handle some business via computer and maybe do other things to prep for next week, like grade and read and write up some notes. But the doctor visit kinda wore me out and I spent the rest of the day puttering and doing some grocery shopping. I had many plans (organize photos into albums, do several loads of laundry, prepare meals for the weekend). None of them happened. Why do I set myself up for failure on these Fridays? Something to think about. Maybe next Friday I'll plan nothing. Nada. And then perhaps I'll actually get something done.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
keeping my hands full
When I picked up baby E from daycare yesterday, one of the infant room teachers said "you're going to have your hands full with that one." I chuckled and finished packing up her things, but then asked,"wait, what do you mean by that?"
Apparently, baby E has a strong personality and does not easily move away from things she wants. She's not mean or tempermental about it, but she's certain of herself, even at the ripe old age of 13.5 months old. She's insistent.
It's true that this could mean that her teen years will be trying, and this is what the daycare teacher meant--she imagines that E will continue to be a strong personality and that parenting her will be a challenge. For the most part, I think this is an exciting thing. I'm glad that she's strong-willed, as it's something I often wished I was, especially when I was younger. I look forward to knowing this little girl into her young adulthood (G*d willing), and if she's a challenge, so be it.
Ultimately, this brief exchange reminded me again that this parenting thing is an ever-evolving set of challenges. Just when I get to know one stage, W or E will move right out of it, leaving me to adjust and change along with them. Not a new revelation--I've known this since the early and sleepless days of W's babyhood--but it's a truth that never stops catching me off-guard. Parenting is like a mental form of yoga in which we bend and twist, thinking we're doing a great job, only to remember that yoga isn't about "winning," but is about continuing to bend and twist.
Apparently, baby E has a strong personality and does not easily move away from things she wants. She's not mean or tempermental about it, but she's certain of herself, even at the ripe old age of 13.5 months old. She's insistent.
It's true that this could mean that her teen years will be trying, and this is what the daycare teacher meant--she imagines that E will continue to be a strong personality and that parenting her will be a challenge. For the most part, I think this is an exciting thing. I'm glad that she's strong-willed, as it's something I often wished I was, especially when I was younger. I look forward to knowing this little girl into her young adulthood (G*d willing), and if she's a challenge, so be it.
Ultimately, this brief exchange reminded me again that this parenting thing is an ever-evolving set of challenges. Just when I get to know one stage, W or E will move right out of it, leaving me to adjust and change along with them. Not a new revelation--I've known this since the early and sleepless days of W's babyhood--but it's a truth that never stops catching me off-guard. Parenting is like a mental form of yoga in which we bend and twist, thinking we're doing a great job, only to remember that yoga isn't about "winning," but is about continuing to bend and twist.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
post-election hangover
First, I am feeling quite relieved, both that the election is over and that the people I hoped would win mostly did. I'm especially thrilled about the same sex marriage amendments passing in Maine and Maryland, and that Minnesota voted down an amendment to exclude same sex marriage. Most importantly, perhaps, is the fact that the disturbing discourse about rape and women's bodies was rejected with the defeats of Akin and Mourdock. As a feminist, I am thrilled all around.
Second, I like this article on Slate about how there is still lots of work to be done. Obama's win may be a clear victory, but it doesn't mean that he's necessarily doing everything right.
Third, normal life can now resume. I spent too much of yesterday with my jaw clenched. I couldn't move away from the fact that a major decision was coming and I had nothing (other than voting) to do with it--it was out of my hands and yet I couldn't wait to know what would happen next. I didn't make it to the gym on Monday because I was so overwhelmed with the looming election, and I'm not going to get there today because it's starting to snow and I'd rather snuggle in at home for a bit. But tomorrow. Tomorrow, normal life can resume. It's an exciting prospect.
Second, I like this article on Slate about how there is still lots of work to be done. Obama's win may be a clear victory, but it doesn't mean that he's necessarily doing everything right.
Third, normal life can now resume. I spent too much of yesterday with my jaw clenched. I couldn't move away from the fact that a major decision was coming and I had nothing (other than voting) to do with it--it was out of my hands and yet I couldn't wait to know what would happen next. I didn't make it to the gym on Monday because I was so overwhelmed with the looming election, and I'm not going to get there today because it's starting to snow and I'd rather snuggle in at home for a bit. But tomorrow. Tomorrow, normal life can resume. It's an exciting prospect.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
my first act as president
What would be your first act as president? This is such a great question (it's the prompt for NaBloPoMo).
There are so many possibilities, but I think I'll go with this one. I'd immediately push (again) for and end to the Defense of Marriage Act and I'd reiterate that I'd support any and all measures to ensure full legal rights for same sex couples to marry. I know there is little the president can actually do at this point to make it happen (it has to be a legislative process, if I understand it all correctly), but I'd make it one of the very first things I'd talk about in the hopes that things might move forward.
I heard an interesting interview on NPR's Fre.sh Air the other day on which the person interviewed proposed a national draft in which all young people, male and female, college student and non-college student alike, would be eligible for the draft. If they were drafted, they'd get lots of benefits for their service (free college education and other great benefits for life, like special mortgage deals). Further, they could choose whether they'd do military or non-military service, and military service would offer the very best deals (non-military would be good but not as good as military). And to appease the libertarian types, there would be a third option in which someone could opt out of the draft altogether, but the deal would be that they'd have to take a penalty in which they'd never be eligible for government-backed things like student loans and special mortgages through the FHA.
It just sounded great. I have no idea if this is a feasible option and I'm sure I'd be pretty annoyed if my college plans were disrupted for a few years in order to do domestic projects (I'd certainly choose non-military service). But it seems to me that this is one solution to the problem of fighting wars in which the wealthy and privileged among us get to opt out altogether. I've been horrified at the fact that we've been fighting wars for years and young people have died to protect this country while the rest of us take a pass and watch reality tv (myself included). And like any other big program, once people got used to it, it would be normal and part of our everyday lives. I'd be happy if my kids had this option, I think, and while I'd certainly hope and assume they'd choose non-military service, just because I'm not really ever on board with war (except in extreme circumstances), I'd like for them to feel invested in their country and their government in a way that most of us don't feel.
There are so many possibilities, but I think I'll go with this one. I'd immediately push (again) for and end to the Defense of Marriage Act and I'd reiterate that I'd support any and all measures to ensure full legal rights for same sex couples to marry. I know there is little the president can actually do at this point to make it happen (it has to be a legislative process, if I understand it all correctly), but I'd make it one of the very first things I'd talk about in the hopes that things might move forward.
I heard an interesting interview on NPR's Fre.sh Air the other day on which the person interviewed proposed a national draft in which all young people, male and female, college student and non-college student alike, would be eligible for the draft. If they were drafted, they'd get lots of benefits for their service (free college education and other great benefits for life, like special mortgage deals). Further, they could choose whether they'd do military or non-military service, and military service would offer the very best deals (non-military would be good but not as good as military). And to appease the libertarian types, there would be a third option in which someone could opt out of the draft altogether, but the deal would be that they'd have to take a penalty in which they'd never be eligible for government-backed things like student loans and special mortgages through the FHA.
It just sounded great. I have no idea if this is a feasible option and I'm sure I'd be pretty annoyed if my college plans were disrupted for a few years in order to do domestic projects (I'd certainly choose non-military service). But it seems to me that this is one solution to the problem of fighting wars in which the wealthy and privileged among us get to opt out altogether. I've been horrified at the fact that we've been fighting wars for years and young people have died to protect this country while the rest of us take a pass and watch reality tv (myself included). And like any other big program, once people got used to it, it would be normal and part of our everyday lives. I'd be happy if my kids had this option, I think, and while I'd certainly hope and assume they'd choose non-military service, just because I'm not really ever on board with war (except in extreme circumstances), I'd like for them to feel invested in their country and their government in a way that most of us don't feel.
Monday, November 5, 2012
tomorrow's the big day
I'm not terribly shy about my political leanings. I'm on the left. Pretty far left, in fact, although I am not so far left that I don't find common ground with people in the middle and on the right, even. I've known many--too many--lefties who were so hardcore in their beliefs that they couldn't relate. I do relate. We're all humans. We all have beliefs and hearts and minds, and while I can't often understand why someone from the other side thinks as they do, I respect them for having those ideas and for caring about the political process enough to take a stand. In fact, I sometimes have more trouble with complete middle-of-the-roaders than I do with people on the other side. Strange, right? The lack of taking a stand is what gets me.
It seems to me that in order to have a true participatory democracy, we need to have true respect on all sides, and that's certainly lacking in today's political discourse. I don't watch or listen to much of it except for a little Jon Stewart when I have the time and have remembered to DVR it. I get most of my news from NYT and NPR in the car, and I feel relatively well informed.
It's probably clear where my vote will go, then, when I step into the booth tomorrow morning. And I will be hoping that the other guy doesn't win--I feel a bit terrified at the prospect. It seems too close for comfort all around, though maybe superstorm sandy will remind people that the government is necessary and that taxes go to support real people who need that support in times like these.
I hope this doesn't drive away any of my three or four readers. But if I'm going to blog, I'm going to be true to myself. And I'm not expecting to change anyone's mind here. Just trying to state where I am and what I believe, in short.
It seems to me that in order to have a true participatory democracy, we need to have true respect on all sides, and that's certainly lacking in today's political discourse. I don't watch or listen to much of it except for a little Jon Stewart when I have the time and have remembered to DVR it. I get most of my news from NYT and NPR in the car, and I feel relatively well informed.
It's probably clear where my vote will go, then, when I step into the booth tomorrow morning. And I will be hoping that the other guy doesn't win--I feel a bit terrified at the prospect. It seems too close for comfort all around, though maybe superstorm sandy will remind people that the government is necessary and that taxes go to support real people who need that support in times like these.
I hope this doesn't drive away any of my three or four readers. But if I'm going to blog, I'm going to be true to myself. And I'm not expecting to change anyone's mind here. Just trying to state where I am and what I believe, in short.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
sunday blahs
It is COLD today. I went for a very long walk with W. He was on his tricycle (it's got a thing on the back that I push because he's otherwise not very good at sticking with it for long). The intention was to do a few laps around the block, but it was so cold that I wanted to keep moving, so we wandered out of our neighborhood and explored some nearby streets. All in all, we were outside for almost two hours and he was a real trooper. He not only wanted to keep going, but he even got off the bike and ran a bit the way toddlers do. I love toddler running--it's so free and open!
But since we got back around noon, I've settled back into what I often call the Sunday blahs. The week is upon us, with all its lunches to be made, sippy cups to be washed, commutes to be made, and work to be done. It's the last respite. It's not that I don't like Sundays. I do, sometimes. But with little kids around the house, my fave Sunday activities are impossible (reading the newspaper and doing the crossword in a leisurely fashion, for ex, or taking a long afternoon nap...oh how I miss napping!). Instead, we're trying to have a peaceful day while gearing up for the week that is coming.
In short: all is well here in our little warm house. Sunday blahs are fully in session. And I'm huddled under a blanket blogging and reading blogs for a while before the kids wake up from their naps. Hope you're having a peaceful (maybe less blah-like) day!
But since we got back around noon, I've settled back into what I often call the Sunday blahs. The week is upon us, with all its lunches to be made, sippy cups to be washed, commutes to be made, and work to be done. It's the last respite. It's not that I don't like Sundays. I do, sometimes. But with little kids around the house, my fave Sunday activities are impossible (reading the newspaper and doing the crossword in a leisurely fashion, for ex, or taking a long afternoon nap...oh how I miss napping!). Instead, we're trying to have a peaceful day while gearing up for the week that is coming.
In short: all is well here in our little warm house. Sunday blahs are fully in session. And I'm huddled under a blanket blogging and reading blogs for a while before the kids wake up from their naps. Hope you're having a peaceful (maybe less blah-like) day!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
mommy outsider (a one woman pity party)
Yesterday, I went to daycare because they were having a halloween parade--the kids all wore their costumes and walked around the parking lot while we parents went crazy and took pictures. Sweet.
But it was also bitter for me because I came face to face with the old feeling of social exclusion. I was chatting with the other parents in W's class, people I've known now for almost three years. I see them at pick up and drop off and occasionally at birthday parties and other non-daycare events (the few that exist). And I mostly like them. But I feel like such an outsider. Today, one of them referenced the fact that she texts with one of the other mothers and I realized that I don't have either of their phone numbers. None of them text me, and I got the sense that sometimes they all get together with their kids without me and W. I've tried to make overtures on occasion, but they seem not to pick up on those moments and so I'm not invited.
It's like high school all over again. I left feeling totally hurt, sad, and confused about how else to get into this little community of mothers who seem to like each other. And maybe they just don't like me.
Part of me says: this is ridiculous. Adult women aren't like high school girls and they're probably not excluding me on purpose or out of spite. But it still is what it is. I'm still on the outside and not only am I hurt by it, but W is being left out of some social events that he might really enjoy. How do I get in without seeming desperate? I really think I've done all I can. I even came home after the parade and thought that perhaps I'd look for them on FB to share pictures from the parade, but didn't find anyone (not sure I have their names exactly right....not sure if they're even on FB).
I'm sort of surprised at how painful this is. I actually thought that these women and these kids didn't get together much outside of school, so I imagined all this time that we'd eventually build an outside-of-daycare community when the kids got a little older. Turns out it already exists, just not with me in it.
I am socially awkward. I know it. I often can't think of what to say and I don't know how to connect with people. I find it hard to relax in settings with new acquaintances. I do best when someone seeks me out, pushes past my awkwardness and just befriends me, whether I like it or not. Most of my friends, in fact, have evolved this way: they've chosen me and I've embraced them, making eventually for a lovely friendship. Once I become friendly with someone past that initial awkwardness, things usually smooth out. For some reason, I'm having trouble finding that post-awkward sweet spot.
But it was also bitter for me because I came face to face with the old feeling of social exclusion. I was chatting with the other parents in W's class, people I've known now for almost three years. I see them at pick up and drop off and occasionally at birthday parties and other non-daycare events (the few that exist). And I mostly like them. But I feel like such an outsider. Today, one of them referenced the fact that she texts with one of the other mothers and I realized that I don't have either of their phone numbers. None of them text me, and I got the sense that sometimes they all get together with their kids without me and W. I've tried to make overtures on occasion, but they seem not to pick up on those moments and so I'm not invited.
It's like high school all over again. I left feeling totally hurt, sad, and confused about how else to get into this little community of mothers who seem to like each other. And maybe they just don't like me.
Part of me says: this is ridiculous. Adult women aren't like high school girls and they're probably not excluding me on purpose or out of spite. But it still is what it is. I'm still on the outside and not only am I hurt by it, but W is being left out of some social events that he might really enjoy. How do I get in without seeming desperate? I really think I've done all I can. I even came home after the parade and thought that perhaps I'd look for them on FB to share pictures from the parade, but didn't find anyone (not sure I have their names exactly right....not sure if they're even on FB).
I'm sort of surprised at how painful this is. I actually thought that these women and these kids didn't get together much outside of school, so I imagined all this time that we'd eventually build an outside-of-daycare community when the kids got a little older. Turns out it already exists, just not with me in it.
I am socially awkward. I know it. I often can't think of what to say and I don't know how to connect with people. I find it hard to relax in settings with new acquaintances. I do best when someone seeks me out, pushes past my awkwardness and just befriends me, whether I like it or not. Most of my friends, in fact, have evolved this way: they've chosen me and I've embraced them, making eventually for a lovely friendship. Once I become friendly with someone past that initial awkwardness, things usually smooth out. For some reason, I'm having trouble finding that post-awkward sweet spot.
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